I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
Randomize
