I could make wine with my vomit
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
he just exposed your dildo usage to the table.
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
Randomize
