got some bad news about ur virginity. she didnt make it thru the night
We had sex in the bathroom. Then he told me I could watch him pee.
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
In the mean time, I'll continue to kick ass at running and become a successful stripper while he might hook up with one average looking girl he met at a club. I so win.
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
i was in class looking for a pencil and found a chicken strip in my back pack. i think i might have a problem.. sad thing is i ate it
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
Not sure what you smoked, but you put raw bacon on the lazy Susan and spent 45 minutes looking at it and mumbling Meat Spin
Randomize