I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
we are torturing ourselves with these mediocre cocks
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
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