I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
Maybe the downfall to liking really smart guys is that they're to smart to think about sex all the time.
The sign say "Kereoke" strip bar. 5 more beers and ill be ready to rumble.
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
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