i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
It's like, I'm the official vagina for that DJ group
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
Randomize
