fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
i doubt you are even in possession of a crowbar.
I suggest you not find out the hard way
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
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