All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
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