Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
So I walked out of my room and there was my brother....standing naked
So I don't have any furniture but we just skateboard drunk around the floor.
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
well, at the moment I'm sleeping in someone's closet in a buzzlightyear snuggie, so I can't judge,
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
Don't worry I sent a creepy stalker message to a guy I slept with 6 years ago, Sunday Funday rock bottom
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
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