dont quote avril lavinge. im to drunk.
she peed. on the sidewalk. it is 2 pm. Help.
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
Randomize
