You got so drunk you kept singing the Sailor Moon theme song and kept making everyone call you Sailor Venus.
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
Yea. I feel great. My life is great. My job isn't as shitty. And my daddy loves me. I love strip clubs. Great self esteem boost.
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
Randomize
