got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
Only you would think wine and coffee was an acceptable finals study time mix
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
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