hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
we got sick of 7 11 doubles so we made up a game where you just drink when anyone rolls a 5
thats barely a game just flip a coin
should we drink on heads or tails?
I probably wouldn't hook up with him if I had to deal with more than his penis. i think cumulatively we are up to a minute of actual conversation this week.
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
I gave in, made out with her, and long story short, I'm giving hetero another try.
Randomize
