I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
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