so that girl updated her facebook status as "had the worst night ever last night"
um, i could be wrong but i think it might've had something to do with mark drunkenly screaming about her unibrow right in front of her
Yea well when i pee it makes steam.
Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
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