So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
just bought a $25 eighth from a chick who has a kid. i'm helping my community out right?
i hope not, i just know that at one point I was sitting on the bathroom floor eating bugles and crying because i had no one to show that it looked like I had witch nails when i stuck them on the ends of all ofmy fingers.
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
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