I wanna put my baby in that!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Ew you even made it your fb status
Ppl probably think ur having a kid
I hope
Love having children with random chicks
my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
Do normal couples celebrate occasions naked with Chicken McNuggets and BBQ sauce?
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
Randomize
