Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
better to have posed nude and lost than to never have posed nude at all...thats what i always say
Got a personal ride from safe ride. I was crying so hard. The driver said think of something happy and I said Disney. In which I sang him Aladdin. So I got home ok
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
Randomize
