Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
If we see one freshman that cummed on me, we are leaving.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
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