I think my vagina is haunted
Will you Wikipedia Vin Diesel? Is he gay? It's important...
Where are I am going home with Ryan
I don't know who this or Ryan is but it is probably too late to talk you out of it
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
Another reason why I like dubstep now, it makes me feel even higher than I already am.
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
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