i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
The slutty girl scout law, revised for halloween 10: on my honor i will try, to serve my vagina and my shot glass. To hold back friends hair at all voming moments and to live by the sluttly girl scout law.
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
Randomize
