Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
Appreciate the offer but I'm a huge fan of penis
I mean it's up to you where you want to sleep but I'm telling you you're going to hear us have sex no matter what room you're in.
Fair enough
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
Randomize
