Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
He uses pillows to masturbate.
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
Wackin it to the USA womens soccer team. My own personal way of saying job well done.
Not sure if it is a new high or new low, but i left a basket on the porch of the sorority I woke up at. It had a description of the Minnie Mouse I woke up next to, and Plan B.
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
This night could easily degenerate into a drunken haze of strippers and gambling, but I need a support network.
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
Never. No amount of alcohol could convince my brain and eye sight that it is okay to fuck him. I'd rather fuck my cousin.
Randomize
