Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
It's one of the reasons i'm here, along with emotional support, physical support if you need it, and power orgasms.
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
When that rick ross song came on he started ripping up dollar bills and pouring out drinks on the floor. I'm all for ignorance but it was a little excessive for a wedding
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
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