i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
Randomize
