We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
that girl last night was a 15
wait she was 15?
no like black jack not sure if you should hit it
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
Then you started screaming that this was the first time you did e and that you had a 4.8 gpa, that was right before you almost suffocated between that one girl's tits.
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
I can't imagine anything that has a removal ass flap as being sexy
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
They need to eat meat, go down on me the first time, every time, and know how to pull my hair. And there's a height requirement for this ride
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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