Cold hands, warm shart.
I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
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