i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
I mean, he's dancing back and forth between pathetically sad and massively fucking creepy.
the girl next to me in class just threw up in a waterbottle during our exam.
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
I dunno, there's just something so\ncomforting about having his penis in my mouth.
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
Randomize
