I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
its just been over 12 hours, and i`m dying, don`t know how i`m supposed to survive the holidays sexless
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Randomize
