I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
I'm going to let the use of the word "hella" slide considering I have sperm older than you.
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
The police scanner is talking about you again....
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
I dnt think she needs convincing on the threesome part, it's the threesome with your roommate situation that needs some work
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
Randomize
