I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
i just met a girl who was sent to the hospital for using her phone as a vibrator and got electrocuted. 4 weeks later she got sent back for shoving a hot dog up there. welcome to the teenage american society
i threw up on the blunt... he was pissed.
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
So...I'm pretty sure I have officially determined that reverse cowgirl is the only position possible to have sex in my smart four two
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