So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
Is it morally objectionable to repay my debt to society with drug money?
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
it was all good until he screamed "for fraaannnceee" on his last thrust
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
He is asleep with his dick hanging out of my my little pony pajamas. I am required to wake this man up by blowjob
Your sexual fantasies often terrify me but get a pic
His legs actually look hot in that dress. He might even make a better girl than Josh
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
Randomize
