WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
I went down on her for at least a half hour, She loved it, so I thought she'd recip. She said "I only do that if I know I'm getting something out of it."
SHUT IT DOWN.
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
Randomize
