I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
Chugged a beer while being walked to the bathroom by campus police to pour the beers out.
just reminessing about the wedding and were they seriously to tight to serve a meal oorrrrrr was it just another one of my black-out-by-dinner drunks
the fact that you actualy have a 'black-out-by-dinner drunk' is a bit deserving..
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
Randomize
