I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
do you remember your solution to not spill your drinks last night? .. Shots, that way you wouldnt have time to spill them. i love your drunken logic haha
I think he might be using me for sex. I also think I might be ok with that.
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
Randomize
