I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
Lets get real here, ive seen your moms breasts multiple times
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
Randomize
