Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
Randomize
