I feel like I'm in dance class right now
What did you even date her?
because emotionally unstable girls are great in bed.
She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
Mcdonalds hasn't even finished serving breakfast yet and u two are getting drunk?
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
Randomize
