There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
They're all gay and their wifi network is named HOMOS. I want to live with these people.
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
there is puke in my bra ... again
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
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