I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
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