Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
She's the rare girl who loses weight and gets uglier.
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
Randomize
