This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
it was really awkward..i thought he had two dicks, but later realized it was jsut his roommate
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
Competitive oral. I'm always telling girls they are only the fourth, maybe third, best blowjob I've had. They go back down with something to prove.
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
Randomize
