I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
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I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
Aside from the fact that there's a penis in my mouth, that's a pretty good picture of me
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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