I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
I love how adderall is equivalent to money on a college campus. just got a ride home and paid the driver in adderall...yeeah buddy
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
well what is some mechanical horse racing with out blow involved
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
I had very briefly met him a few years ago. My friend was tired of hearing us both complain about being horny. She figured she would fuck two birds with one stone.
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Randomize
