I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
he kept bringing up different times we had sex and i wouldnt say anything back. i would never confirm nor deny the situation...like a politician ya kno
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
So watch family guy till our brains melt and then bang till our bodies hurt?
Shouldn't have fucked on the top bunk, I bounced so high my hair got caught in the ceiling fan and almost broke my neck.
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
Shirtless guy staggering down the sidewalk, puking into a Prada shopping bag. Ahhh, the walk of shame in Boystown.
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
