ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
His parents bailed him out, the police said they found him on a curb trying to call people on his wallet, hahha. He had his wallet open to his ear callin people
Lol it's kinda hilarious. I left missing one glass... guage. I feel like Cinderella... but less classy.
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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