Spotted on freeway- girl in ford focus takes a hit from a 7 inch pipe while knee driving. She winked at me. I want her life.
Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
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