dpoing straight shots of jhameson. boys are imp ressed. i apologize
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
im kinda looking forward to winter break. ive been away from home for so long i think i can trick my vagina into thinking that these arent the same people ive been hooking up with since high school...
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
Btw. Being a stripper for a week without anyone knowing to pay off my school loan is no longer in my agenda.
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
Randomize
