bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
I'm sure we could make a ball of yarn and a nickel into a drinking game
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
This question may sound intrusive, but how did pushing out a baby affect your vagina?
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
Randomize
