She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
I see an opportunity for you to use your nakedness to cure my boredom.
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
