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ok, stay where you are, be there soon
I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
I'd rather not be labeled as that girl who came over, drank a bunch of their alcohol, woke up the 5 year old, broke shit and left
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
My feelings for him are donzo molonzo but I can't turn down a pierced penis...
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
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