I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
I am growing concerned with the number of people here in cowboy hats
I lost it last night. That was humiliating. Cincinnati is now covered in my puke.
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
He called me baby cakes during sex... Can U not
Then he kissed my hand sensually and said "you're a Black Queen. Don't let anyone tell you different."
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
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