I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
why does my status of facebook already read REHAB 2011
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
Randomize
