i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
Randomize
