He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
JUST SAW MY DRUG DEALER SOBER AND GOING TO CLASS. This is weird, its almost like he's an actual student whio leaves his room...
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
We created a neighborhood watchdog drinking game
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
The career specialist read an Onion article to us. Please send help.
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