Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
i pounded out a 17-yr-old on saturday night
no, that is not a typo
i turned her down on fri night, googled the state consent laws & then caved on saturday
two words...techno handjob
Can we end it on a good note at least? Can we fuck and then never talk again?
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
Randomize
