He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
can we get nightvision for the apartment?
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
Randomize
