nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
So there's 10 guys in this picture..I've made out with 5 of them. does this make me a slut?
eh 50% isn't bad..i'd say 80% is slut material.
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apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
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Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
Clothing is a burden necessitated by propriety.
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
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