youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
Randomize
