Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
Dude with the Beatles haircut just got his pilots license and wants to take us up to do a case race mid flight. Don't tell me networking is unnecessary.
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
Does your throat ever get sore from being choked too hard or do u think I'm just getting sick??
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
Dude he fell into my wall and left an imprint then decided to have sex with the door open. Vents carry noise pretty well
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
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