p.s. this guy just tipped me with ecstasy pills. is this real life
My pussy is not your playground.
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
yea i really dont care about the sex, i just want him to eat my vag. He has to be good at because of his tremors.
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
Randomize
